Why I don’t read more:
I think it has to do with the same reason I don’t watch baseball any more. My mind is trained for constant, unending action. A moving forward that never stops until an exhausted mama finally gives in to sleep at night. I can’t stop and slow down and smell the pages of the old books I used to love so much. Unless it is a thrilling novel that I can’t put down—that propels me forward with the speed I seem to need so desperately. I think I must secretly tend to the melancholy, with the fear in which operate so feverishly to never be alone…with my thoughts. Those books that challenge me to think. They create space enough to sit quietly with myself. And then I see all of the things I need to change, or could improve upon. And then I put the book down and set to fixing myself in my mind (which is rarely successful), and never finish the thing which so intrigued me initially. That is a propelling forward of itself isn’t it? The need to constantly improve? What if I just sat for a while and allowed myself to be me. Sitting in the midst of my imperfection, messy house, perpetual lateness, secret laziness, despising of all things domestic, wondering why I am a stay-at-home mom when I struggle to stay off the phone and with my kids. How could I ever be a homeschool mom? I hate to sit still. The only way I can sit still is on my phone, endlessly scrolling from one idea to the next, or zoning out in front of the tv. Even with friends I seem to need to mill from one to the next, never settling for one or two good friends to dig deep with. And the friendships I often most desperately pursue are with those with whom I’m not on entirely stable footing. If I’m not positive that they really like me, I can jump back on the hamster wheel of trying to impress them with who I am which is mostly based on how much I can do and how spiritual I am. I can do a lot, and I am deeply spiritual. But I am also kind of a mess, a wonderful mom when it comes down to it, one who hates to cook and puts everything before exercising even though it brings me a lot of energy and joy. Why do I feel like I need to put the things that bring me the most joy on the back burner? Why can’t I just live? Be lazy if I need to be. Take an hour to sit and read a book. I need constant stimuli. Am I really such an extrovert that I need to be connected to people every second I’m awake? Do I really need such constant confirmation from others that I stay strapped to Facebook for affirmation?
Yes. I am an exhausted extrovert who just needs to take a break and lie down for a while. I need to be done doing, but I don’t know how to.
MPerfect Mama is a stay at home mama who is imperfect but perfectly loved by God. She “m” perfectly loves her kiddos, husband, God, and everyone else around her. The days when she actually choose to live her life in the present are precious and beautiful. You can read more of her work at MPerfectMama.weebly.com.