“People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?”
– Nhat Hanh

“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?”
– Khalil Gibran

“I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”
– Clarissa Pinkola Estes

“May my soul bloom in love for all existence.” -Rudolf Steiner

I had a difficult day today. I was very sad about my mother. Her death has become very real. It is very real I can not call her. I was sick for the past week with a horrible cold that got progressively worse. I spent the weekend in bed feeling like I had strep throat, bronchitis, and the flu. I rarely get sick, but I could not escape this cold. I got through it and am feeling better.

I feel so vulnerable when I am sick. My mom used to make me hot tea with lemon and sugar. To this day, I still can not make hot tea as perfect as she did. It must have been her secret ingredient: mother’s love. She also made me cinnamon toast with sugar, perfectly buttered. I thought of these two comfort foods this weekend while I was sick in bed, curled into my comforter. I thought of my mom bringing me the hot tea and toast so many times as a child. She always knew how to console me, comfort me — with her words, with her silence, with her smile.

I have to believe that my feelings of sadness and loss will pass or bloom into something better. For now, I am deep in the soil of loss. I go about my daily rituals of mothering my own son, working, and writing, being a wife. But I feel like I am just circling the outside of the world, not completely centered. It gives me comfort to know I am not alone. There are others deep in the soil of grief, of longing for that person they miss the most.

Perhaps my sorrow will bloom into a beautiful flower someday. For now, I tend to my own soil, fertilizing it with tears.