There is beauty…


There is beauty to truth and pain is a shadow of the light it casts. Sometimes the reflection is what blinds us.

I made that up (the quote above).  I posted it on Facebook.  Most everyone is talking about the football play-offs, posting photos of themselves in their team’s uniform.  I want to talk about death.  But it is a conversation I have to have with myself.  Grief is an inner dialogue — a language that deciphers itself as you move through its waves. The surf pounds upon my back as I enter the turbulent sea. I allow myself to be afraid, to be sad, to be upset, to be calm. There are many colors in this ocean as I swim in this sea.

"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever." Jacques Yves Cousteau

“The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.” Jacques Yves Cousteau

I am in the deep end of the ocean of grief. I have my floaties on my arms.The heaviness of my heart is what weighs me down. I know I need to be at peace about my mother’s death, but I am filled with a sense of finality that I didn’t experience in the last three weeks.

I had a moment where I looked at a Christmas decoration she gave me a long time ago (a door hanger with four blocks sewn in vertically that spell out N – O – E – L. A bell rings every time you open the door).  Staring at this artifact made me realize how permanent her death is, in my world.  People tell me I will feel her presence. I don’t. I believe she is in Heaven watching over me, at peace and in the true light of Heaven. I am in the shadows down below.

I miss her. I miss hearing her voice and I want to desperately call her and hear her voice in measurable audible tones. Instead I listen deeply inside myself as grief speaks its foreign language.

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About memomuse

I am an arts educator, writer, poet, photographer, and mama. United Arts Council Artist in the Schools and Writer-in-Residence -- I am available to conduct workshops and residencies: Memoir, Writing, Poetry, Spoken Word, Poetry Slams. Contact me for more information. Also available for freelance writing and photography. I am also working on a historic food memoir: http://evanstoncommmunitykitchen.wordpress.com

6 thoughts on “There is beauty…

  1. I wish there were something I could say to comfort you. I’m not yet at this point with my mother (who has also been ill/brain tumor for years). It’s very early in your grief process. Be gentle with yourself. It may take some time before you sense her in other ways. Every blessing to you.

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    • Anonymous was my comment. Thank you again for your kind thoughts and keeping me in your thoughts. Gentle is the way to grieve. But it is a rocky road. I miss her dearly. I still feel like I can just call her. I am allowing myself the space and time to truly feel these emotions as hard as they are.

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    • HI Terri,

      How are you doing? How is your mom? My mother actually passed away from septis (bladder infection). She went peacefully if that gives you comfort. I know your pain and the anticipation is the worst part about a long term illness. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Have you thought about submitting your story to my “Brain Tumor Thursday” project? Here is the link: https://memomuse.wordpress.com/brain-tumor-thursday/

      I welcome caregivers and loved ones to share about their family members who have brain tumors. I thought it was an easy template to fill in until I tried to write about my mom. Something I need to do.

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