Light and Shadow – Chapter 1

I know the name is morbid, so I will have to think of something much more inviting and catchy.  Although I happen to like Death Diaries.  For those of you just tuning in, I am going to Colorado to say goodbye to my mother.  I received news on Thursday evening that she had taken a turn for the worst.  She has been moved to pureed food because she is having a hard time swallowing.  She also could not really talk and when the nurse put her on the phone, she was very hard to understand.  In fact, I could not understand a word she said.  It sounded like she was a stroke victim.

Photo by memomuse

This broke my heart.  I have been always able to hear her voice and talk to her on the phone. This gives me comfort. I have not been able to see her in person as she is in a nursing home in Colorado.  I did see her in November over Thanksgiving and she was still able to walk, hunched over with a walker, but able to walk on her own.  She was living with my sister.  She cannot walk or use her legs now.  She is confined to bed and I don’t think can even move to a wheelchair.  She went to a nursing home in January.

 She has brain tumors and has had them since 2000.  She has one on her brain stem and one in or on her cerebellum.  She had an emergency shunt put in in 2000 to relieve pressure from fluid on the brain which the pressure of the two tumors caused.  The neurosurgeons and neurologists said in 2000 her condition would begin to rapidly deteriorate in 3 – 5 years.  Here we are almost seven years later and she is still fighting.  That is Betty for you.  But I do believe she is ready to be at peace. 

 As most of you know, I quit my teaching job in December to be a full time stay at home mom.  I love this new job and also get frustrated with the new role and I write about my experience as a new mom on my blog   So I will have one week away from my little wonder boy and this thought just splits my heart.  Although the thought of one hour away from him at the height of a hard day of one year molar teething and a high pitched crying baby, an hour away would be divine.  One week is going to be very difficult.  I have never been away from Ben for more than two days and that was when he was five months old and I went to a writer’s conference. Then my heart gets sliced again by the thought of going through this without my husband, but as anyone with or without children knows, there is a lot to picking up and leaving your life for a week.  Plus this gives me time to spend time with my mom as her daughter and child.  But let’s just state it again, this sucks.

My corporate sponsorship was a bust, as I tried to get Southwest to donate two free tickets in a total of 3 hours from the conception of the idea of my corporate sponsorship of this trip out West. At first, we had planned on my husband going with me and taking care of Ben while I spent time with my mom.  He would have had to work from the hotel and take care of Ben. 

Photo by memomuse

This plan was just not feasible.  Plus we were going to go in a week and we decided that if something were to happen, well I don’t have to tell you how much that would suck and what kind of guilt that would induce if I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my mother in person. 

 So I am flying to Denver Sunday to see my mother. I will be staying in Loveland. I will take a day to come up to see my Cheyenne buddies: Michael Shay, Chris Shay, Heidi L. Hargraves, and Shannon Myers.  Heidi may be going into labor anytime soon so I will certainly see her beautiful newborn baby.  Although she is due in the beginning of June. 

 Otherwise, this is going to be a very sad trip. 

 I hate flying.

I hate the thought of my mother dying.

I hate lying so I will tell you this is gonna suck.

 But at least I will be able to see my mom and give her a sweet kiss. I am open to all the love the support you can send my way. Feel free to email me (through Facebook or regular email) or text me – I need all the distractions I can get. email:  Check in periodically on my blog.  I will be writing about my feelings and experience. 

I’ve decided to just write about it at my blog. It’s too much hassle and stupid to create a separate death blog.  I do have to change the name.  I like “Light and Shadows,” as I am very proud of the fact that even when I do write about sad things I am always able to spin some silk from the darkness to create a sunlit sparkle on it. 

My son and I the day before I left for this trip out West

Photo by memomuse

If you would like to send flowers to my mom, you can email me for the details of where to send them.  She is allergic to gardenias.

Here we go…

8 thoughts on “Light and Shadow – Chapter 1

  1. I have been there…. seeing a parent slowly going is hard and heart wrenching. I cherished those moments as the time was quality and filled with honesty… In those short moments what I learn’t was priceless…


    • Savirag,
      Thank you for your warm wishes. I am so sorry you had to go through this. But it is inevitable. I am just embracing it.


    • Hello Savirag,
      Thank you for your comments. It is heart wrenching and time moves so slow at times and so darn fast at other times. It sounds like you had a very difficult situation to deal with yourself. My heart goes out to anyone who has dealt with the pain of losing a parent. But it is part of life.


  2. So much going on in your life at once… your mother at death’s door, a teething baby you dread leaving, Heidi’s newborn baby.

    Ben looks fascinated by the train ride.

    Perfect title: Shadow and Light. Joy, sadness, uncertainty, stress. Says it all dear friend.

    Love and prayers to you and your mother during such a sad moment. But she needs you now more than Ben, so no fretting. God is with you all during this time of separation.


    • Thank you Debi. I sure miss you. Lots of birds — they are following me. In fact, today when I came out of Good Day Pharmacy (had to solve a pump crisis situation) and I saw a goose on top of a car. I was in awe of Mr. Goose. He certainly had some sass. Then this angry woman came out of the pharmacy and started threatening the goose. “If you get on my car, I’ll kill you. That damn duck.” It was funny. I know better than to mess with goose karma.


    • I think of you every time we ride the train. In fact, we need to schedule a date with our fairy god mother. How about Sunday!


  3. Pingback: I Don’t Want to Say Goodbye — So, I will Say Hello « memomuse's Blog

  4. Pingback: My Christmas Eve Angel — My Mother « memomuse's Blog

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