One Month Old

My baby boy is one month old today.  I can’t believe how fast this month has gone by and how much I can’t remember due to the lack of sleep.   I started with the best intentions to document everything – every little coo and cuddle and cute little smile (or gas as they say).  But I have just resorted to surviving and sleeping now and snapping as many photos as I can. Although I have given in to the fact that I will most likely not get around to uploading them to my computer any time soon.

I am absolutely in love with my son.  I stare at him all the time and he stares at me and we have started a long relationship of wonder, beauty, and love.  My husband is so helpful and seems to be in a zombie state as well with me.

In one month the baby has grown so much.  He doesn’t fit newborn clothes any more and is in 0-3 month clothes.  He is extra long and I need to upload some pictures from the digital camera to the computer.  Like I said before, I am not that technology savy.  Too much work and I’d rather sleep.  Speaking of sleep I should be sleeping now!  My sleep schedule and pattern is so messed up.  I took a three hour nap with Ben after I fed him. We snuggled and fell asleep. Truth be told, I got lazy and didn’t put him in his basinet. And I have to admit I just love having him near me.

We slept side by side (I made sure all pillows, blankets, and any possible suffocating item was cleared from the bed).  We slept through a severe thunderstorm with booming thunder and lightning.  I was so tired I didn’t even wake up.  My husband told me about it.  It was such a bad thunderstorm the news channels put out warnings.  I guess there was a church in town that was struck by lightning and was destroyed by the fire.  North Carolina has some serious thunderstorms! I feel bad for the people who go to that church.   I don’t know the details, but I  am pretty sure nobody got hurt by the fire.

I am trying to find my voice again with my writing.  I got lost with this new motherhood thing.

Last Wednesday I took the morning off from my son. Doesn’t that sound awful!  But it is a cold hard reality for this mom.  I was struggling with lack of sleep and also struggling with my son and breastfeeding so I handed him off to his dad and said I can’t do this today.  I felt absolutely awful for “giving up.” But I had to –  I was too frustrated.  I just needed a break.

Daddy's Love

So, my husband is awesome and amazing with our son.  He can get the baby to calm down when he is hungry and crying.  He sings a variety of songs with Benjamin’s name in them.  One song goes like this,

“Who’s in the house?

Ben’s in the house

Raise the roof

Raise the roof

I said who’s in the house

Ben’s in the house

Raise the roof

Raise the roof

I said who in the house

Ben’s in the house

Repeat on and on as necessary

It’s adorable.

So back to my Wednesday break down – so I held him in my arms, well actually lifted him under his arms and said to my husband, “I can’t handle him right now. I need a break.”  I crawled into bed and started crying.  Rich came in and comforted me.  I said, “I feel like I’m a failure right now and a bad mom.”  Rich said, “You are a great mom and you DO NEED TO TAKE BREAKS. YOU can’t keep up this pace.”

The thing is he is right.  I mean how could I – I am not sleeping a full night.  I am not even sleeping four consecutive hours. Three consecutive hours max!

So I pumped enough breast milk for my husband to bottle feed the baby the whole day.  Rich took the morning off of work (he still had some paternity hours left) and packed up the baby and his Graco pack and Play and went to Grandma’s so I could get some sleep.

I slept for four hours and woke up needing to see my baby boy.  My husband wanted me to sleep the whole day, but four hours is luxury these days and I felt renewed and refreshed. Although I could have slept for ten more hours!

It is such a tug of war of the heart being a new mom.  Maybe it is just being a mom.  But for me this is foreign soil and I am connecting with my mom friends and making new mom friends to get support.  Apparently all these feelings I am having are not new and other moms have had them.  So I don’t feel so alone.

I love being a mom and it is such a gift.  I didn’t think I was going to be able to have kids.  To make a long story short – we went down a long road of infertility and the treatments that go with it and ended up getting pregnant naturally after I went to an acupuncturist.  Here is the link to an essay I wrote years ago for NPR’s “This I Believe” about this issue. I am just a late bloomer.  I have been all my life.  And blooming I am right now – in full bloom of motherhood!

So, my voice is hitting all kinds of high notes with this new addition to our family that makes my heart feel so full and aches with love and adoration.  Sometime I think about censoring myself and not putting myself out there and being vulnerable, but I am a writer and this is what writers do.  I write non-fiction and this is what is going on for me right now as a writer.  Plus, I know that my story can help someone else find their voice maybe and have the courage to tell their story uncensored!

Heartbeat Smile

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About memomuse

I am an arts educator, writer, poet, photographer, and mama. United Arts Council Artist in the Schools and Writer-in-Residence -- I am available to conduct workshops and residencies: Memoir, Writing, Poetry, Spoken Word, Poetry Slams. Contact me for more information. Also available for freelance writing and photography. I am also working on a historic food memoir:

One thought on “One Month Old

  1. you’re a rock star mom. you absolutely have to take breaks. joe and i went on our first date when ethan was about 4 weeks old, and it did wonders for our sanity. and once he’s sleeping through the night, you’ll feel amazing!

    i love reading your flow of thoughts. “tug of war of the heart” is spot on. a part of your heart is now outside your body and will soon be walking around the world. beautiful gift of life.

    i’m so proud of what a good mom you are.


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